An Emotional Time

I have been quite emo as of lately. The history is that one of the people I despised most (and I will stress that I don't despise people easily) came over to my house and ordered around as if he is King. Actually I haven't been angry for quite some time already. I remembered the last time I was angry was in grade 11. But yet I was not really angry that time. So you can say that I don't remember the last time I was really angry. I can't even recall I've been really really angry like this time. (if angry was the emotion I experienced at all).

Sorry, the writing is a bit crappy. I'm not really into typing things that need to be thought before. I just want to express my so called angry feeling.

Anyway, even after two weeks, if the topic was brought up, I still feel the same way as before - be it anger or not. Let me describe the emotion:
1. My head becomes really hot.
2. Afterward I got headache
3. My breathing becomes heavy
4. I cry
5. I feel destructive (want to throw and break things and hear the breaking sound).

But the weird thing is...
I'm not sure why I was so angry, what I was so angry about. It's just that I feel like being angry that time.

Sucks...
.....
...
..
.

Even now if the topic is brought up, I might end up feeling the same emotion, which I'm not sure about. Is it anger? Is it something else?

安靜了 - S.H.E

It's been quite some time since the last time I updated. Been busy with school and tomorrow (well today actually) I got finals >.<. less than 12 hours.... my Business Law paper is on 1 pm and now is 1:10 am haha.

Anyway, when I studied during the previous days, I tuned on [V] channel Taiwan and heard of this sweet sweet Chinese Song. It took me quite a while to figure out the title with my limited Chinese vocabulary but in the end I found it to be 安靜了（ａｎ　ｊｉｎｇ　ｌｅ）sang by S.H.E. Moreover, just now I figured out that Jay Chou composed it. Anyway the song is super nice though I could not really make sense of the translation I found in the net. Here's a youtube vid ;)



and here's the lyrics in hanzi, pinyin, and translation =)

安静了 - Silenced

只剩下钢琴陪我站在这里
zhi sheng xia gang qin pei wo zhan zai zhe li
I’m left standing here with the piano beside me

梦想中属于我们的婚礼
meng xiang zhong shu yu wo men de hun li
The wedding I’ve dreamt for us

却成了单人结婚进行曲
que cheng le dan ren jie hun jin xing qu
Has become a solo wedding march

在这场爱情较力的拔河里
zai zhe chang ai qing jiao li de ba he li
In this tug-of-war of love,

爱我还是爱你
ai wo hai shi ai ni
Will you love me or yourself?

你选择了自己 wo~
ni xuan ze le zi ji
You chose yourself

撒娇的可爱的
sa jiao de ke ai de
Childish… adorable…

粘人的爱哭的
nian ren de ai ku de
Clingy… crybaby…

照片里曾经的都是你喜欢的
zhao pian li ceng jing de dou shi ni xi huan de
[The person] in the photos is everything you once loved

如今我还在原地
ru jin wo hai zai yuan di
Now I remain at the starting point

你却走回你的记忆
ni que zou hui ni de ji yi
Yet you went back to your memories

你说我爱你太多就快要把你淹没
ni shuo wo ai ni tai duo jiu kuai yao ba ni yan mo
You said I love you too much, you’re almost drowning

你害怕幸福短暂一秒就崩落
ni hai pa xing fu duan zan yi miao jiu beng luo
You fear happiness is only for an instant, that it will fall apart in a second

分开是一种解脱让你好好的想过
fen kai shi yi zhong jie tuo rang ni hao hao de xiang guo
Separation is a release; it will make you think

我想要的那片天空你是不是能够给我
wo xiang yao de na pian tian kong ni shi bu shi neng gou gei wo
Whether you can give me the happiness I want

你说我给你太多却不能给我什麽
ni shuo wo gei ni tai duo que bu neng gei wo shen me
You said I give you too much, but you can’t give back

分不清激情承诺永恒或迷惑
fen bu qing ji qing cheng nuo yong heng huo mi huo
Can’t tell passion, commitment, eternity and infatuation apart

爱情是一道伤口我们各自苦痛
ai qing shi yi dao shang kou wo men ge zi ku tong
Love is a wound, we bear the pain on our own

沉默是我最后温柔是因为我太爱你
chen mo shi wo zui hou wen rou shi yin wei wo tai ai ni
Silence is my last act of kindness… because I love you so

只剩下钢琴陪我站在这里
zhi sheng xia gang qin pei wo zhan zai zhe li
I’m left standing here with the piano beside me

梦想中属於我们的婚礼
meng xiang zhong shu yu wo men de hun li
The wedding I’ve dreamt for us

安静了在我枕边的梦里
an jing le zai wo zhen bian de meng li
Was silenced in the dreams of the person beside me

我知道相爱原本就不容易
wo zhi dao xiang ai yuan ben jiu bu rong yi
I know loving someone isn’t easy to begin with

爱不是一加一
ai bu shi yi jia yi
Love is not ‘one plus one’

努力就有结局 wo~
nu li jiu you jie ju
[Where] hard work guarantees a happy ending

撒娇的可爱的
sa jiao de ke ai de
Childish… adorable…

粘人的爱哭的
nian ren de ai ku de
Clingy… crybaby…

照片里曾经的都是爱着你的
zhao pian li ceng jing de dou shi ai zhe ni de
[The person] in the photo once loved you

脸颊的泪还温热
lian jia de lei hai wen re
The tears on my cheeks are still warm

却没有人握我的手
que mei you ren wo wo de shou
But no one is here to hold my hand

你说我爱你太多就快要把你淹没
ni shuo wo ai ni tai duo jiu kuai yao ba ni yan mo
You said I love you too much, you’re almost drowning

你害怕幸福短暂一秒就崩落
ni hai pa xing fu duan zan yi miao jiu beng luo
You fear happiness is only for an instant, that it will fall apart in a second

分开是一种解脱让你好好的想过
fen kai shi yi zhong jie tuo rang ni hao hao de xiang guo
Separation is a release; it will make you think

我想要的那片天空你是不是能够给我
wo xiang yao de na pian tian kong ni shi bu shi neng gou gei wo
Whether you can give me the happiness I want

你说我给你太多却不能给我什麽
ni shuo wo gei ni tai duo que bu neng gei wo shen me
You said I give you too much, but you can’t give back

分不清激情承诺永恒或迷惑
fen bu qing ji qing cheng nuo yong heng huo mi huo
Can’t tell passion, commitment, eternity and infatuation apart

爱情是一道伤口我们各自苦痛
ai qing shi yi dao shang kou wo men ge zi ku tong
Love is a wound, we bear the pain on our own

沉默是我最后温柔是因为我太爱你
chen mo shi wo zui hou wen rou shi yin wei wo tai ai ni
Silence is my last act of kindness… because I love you so

- work of lene from http://www.jay-chou.net forum -

The Road Not Taken

Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.

1. The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

source: bartleby.com

Just now I remembered of a poem I have not read for so long. A poem I considered the most beautiful English poem I have ever read. So I googled it and posted it up for you. This poem was recommended to me once by my sister but before that I've found this poem myself. Beautiful, don't you think? And the content is absolutely true.

Everything in life is about the choice we make. And I tried to reflect back my stay in this foreign land for the last four months. Probably I should start on the first time I decided to go to this university. I do not know exactly what pulled me to enroll here. I just knew I want to go and study here. Before I experienced the study life here, I thought this school will be different from the two most popular universities. From what I read and what I heard of, this uni is more practical than theoretical. I guess that is true. I assumed back then that there would be less studying than in any other universities. But my experience here proved my assumption to be incorrect.

People in my town said that my high school is very demanding so I thought that entering university would not be a problem to me. But here am I, struggling to survive. I do not know whether it is the transition period or what but one thing I know is that I have to work really hard to keep my marks up to standard.

This term I failed to do so. And it is a bit too late to get serious to studying properly. So I will absolve this in the next term. However, I still need to do my best for finals. Oh well, as life is a choice, here is another choice to make. Becoming outstanding or becoming mediocre. For me, my whole life has been quite outstanding so I do not think I should become mediocre just after facing this stressful university life.

Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus.

Sorry a bit trashy. Oh well, really stressed out with projects

Not feeling well

Hi :). At school now, @ACC (Arts & Cultural Center) waiting for practice to begin... We are rehearsing for tomorrow's DESA (Dance.Eat.Sing.Act).

Last night only slept for around 3 hours then had to go to school early to study LTB :(. Now I'm very sleepy and feeling very dizzy.

Short post;; no idea what to write...

Will update soon :)

Night Safari on October

So, after some devastating moments we went through, yesterday night we decided to go to the Night Safari.

The idea came out of nowhere but oh well, it's been quite fun because at least we did not only see animals of the night but also.....

Creatures of the Night

wow, that rings a bell... yeah, the Phantom of the Opera!

I love this musical show! I saw one live in Las Vegas last December :D

Anyway, back to the trip. The Night Safari has come out with this event starting on October to celebrate Halloween (and of course, to attract tourists - not that I mind)

We reached at 9:10. At first we want to go for a Halloween cocktail ride but it's fully booked. So in the end we only buy the entrance ticket and the tram ride. Before we went in... we bought B&J's (Ben & Jerry's) ice cream and took pictures in front of the B&J's logo. I'll post along the pictures later :). Unfortunately we don't have the chance to take pictures together (my sister said that's the hard part of traveling alone or with one another person: cannot take pictures of ourselves!).

After finishing the ice cream we boarded the Halloween Tram. It's much like the usual tram, going around the safari with someone explaining the animals. But this guide voice is so creepy like and there are occasional scares. The Halloween Tram also went through the Gate of Hell made for people abusing or hurting or hunting or killing or skinning or .. or .. or ... animals. This place is quite creepy. Some of the so-called 'actors' acting as scary scary ghosts actually scare us and some even boarded the train (Holy Sh*t!). It was not really scary but it was very heart-shockingly surprising.

After the tram ride we also walked around through the trails. One of the trails was the Halloween route. And again, got people scaring us. My sister was the one screaming though.. I did not scream but I was surprise and scared as well (I'm not a girl who screams when I'm scared). The walk was quite long and we were exhausted when we reached the entrance again. By the time we boarded the taxi to go home it was 12+ and we got 50% overcharge T___T.

Pictures:

burden pt.2

and i am still tearing
drops trickle unexpectedly
waves of guilt within me
will we walk away a stronger entity?

will the goodness (i thought it was good) slip away?
such a facade
or are we too blind to see?
i am strugling with this uncertainty

credit: a.s. (comment to the post 'taking it for the granted')

Those who you care for the most

Yesterday I have a little chat with my sister and we came to something she had read before: that sometimes people who you love the most will end up as people who you don't even bother to think about their feeling when you are with them.

I reflected it.

And its true.

We will dress up when we meet or friends
but we wont when we are going out with our own family

We will talk politely with a stranger even when we are in a bad mood
but we won't talk politely with our family when we are in a bad mood

I found this very true, I found this very disturbing.
Perhaps, someday I will be able to care adequately to the people I love the most.

update til now

After the two highly melancholic posts, I think it's appropriate to give something less saddening to you all :). (and also I am trying to entertain myself out of my saddened self).

School's been fine so far. I don't think I'm coping up that well for the lesson but I guess time is all I need to adjust. Probably won't get a high GPA or something but I'm quite enthusiastic that next term will be better.

One week recess is about to end in... two days (counting) - although recess does not feel like a recess at all.

However, some entertaining things had happened. DESA practice, for one. DESA is abbreviation for Dance-Eat-Sing-Act - a performance by SMUKI (SMU Komunitas Indonesia) to be performed next Friday (Oct 17). At first all these gamelan practices felt really boring but on combined rehearsal - it's a different case.

It is safe to assume that all SMUKI-ers are quite out of their mind -- especially after today. So after rehearsal those who don't really have other stuffs to do (me, for instance) stayed behind, helping the Narojeng (sp?) dance team to practice. During the vacant time, however, they turned the rehearsal to live-band performance; starring Ernest, Sylvia, Sugiek, and several others xD. Quite entertaining, they are.

Also, I've never thought that Hiubert (forgive the weird name spelling), could perform the sissy dukun very well. He's super funny and I cannot stop laughing. For those reading this post, DESA next Friday really SHOULD NOT be missed.

You will get a preview of Indonesian culture, as well as entertaining show, and... of course, FOOD! (Padang cuisine :3)

Burden

Right now, there is a burden in my heart
A burden I wish to redeem soon
A burden caused by my own ignorance
A burden caused by my own action
I've never felt this burden inside
Probably because I am too thick to notice
Because my own ego entice
Right now I'm trying to redeem
Hopefully the chance will arrive
The chance where I can say to you
face to face
that I love you

Taking things for the granted

Things had happened since I last wrote. Before today, I've wanted to write countless times but I cannot seem to win against my tendency to be lazy and to procrastinate.

The event today however, cannot be skipped.

Something big has happened, causing quite a mess to my life. However, after several hours of crying (not nonstop -- I keep crying, stopping, and crying again), I realize that this might happen because it ought to happen in order to fix the mess that has been looked over by me so far.

I'm not saying anything. However, it concerned someone in my immediate family. I myself always put family as priority beyond others. And although it seems so in my mind, when I act it out, it might not be true. Sadly, it's proven untrue from today's event.

Hopefully this realization will make me to be a better person and act accordingly to my priority.

ILY, my dearest family
To the special someone who caused this mess although it's very unlikely that you will read nor understand this post ever: yes, I LOVE YOU even though I never say it out loud. (no, we never speak it out loud in our family -- mostly affection by conduct and not words.)

Phew, what a relief

Hi there!
It was quite tiring today...

Actually I only have one class, Acad Writing.. And that's half the length of the usual class, making me go to school just for 1,5 hours. Haiz, even the journey from my home to school and back is 1,5 hours (sometimes even more). So, yeah~ Wednesday is annoying.

After class, I went to print some readings for the next essay assignment. Before me there was a girl who was taking such a looong time to print. Her ez-link card balance was not enough to do all her printing jobs (which is sooo many). Then after she managed to set her mind which documents needed to be printed it was my turn. I only printed 2 documents 12 pages in total, 48 cents in cost.

Then I waited for her printing to be done. And guess what? I think she took my prints with her. (Yeah, probably she did not keep track how many pages she printed as after the machine finished printing, the stack of papers was like 3 cm thick. I stood dumbstruck, gazing at the printing machine waiting it to print my documents. But of course.. it never did. My 48 cents were gone inside the 3 cm stack of papers.....

Therefore, I need to turn my laptop back on and reprint. Super time consuming, grrrr....

Anyway, I managed to get the printing job done and I depart from school. First, going to concourse to draw some money. At first I feel like eating Koufu but then again I changed my mind to try the new Justacia in Dhoby Ghaut. So I went there and ate and paid. After having dinner I decided to go home from Dhoby Ghaut but before that I planned to top up my ezlink card first. Imagine my horrifying self when I found that my matric card which I put behind the ezlink card, which I carried those two blasted cards everywhere as a long necklace, is gone (FYI, matric card is used to go inside and outside my school, and sometimes enter GSRs - group study rooms. I lost it therefore I cannot enter the school.)

I was in a panic then. I backtraced my route to Justacia where I ate dinner and found nothing, then I walked all the way from Dhoby Ghaut back to school and still found nothing. Then I went to concourse and I still found nothing. And so I reported to the security. The officer asked me to fill in lost item report. But even before I filled the first field, another officer asked my name.... and guess what? They found my matric card. And I have to collect it at SCC in library building.

Thank God. Phew....................

Cockroach

I just saw a phrase in one of my friends' blog here. There is something that caught my eyes immediately: the phrase 'Kecoak yang Ingin Hidup' which literally translates to 'A Cockroach that wants to live'.

Hearing this phrase in my friends' blog brought me back to last Monday. I was in TWC class then. One of my group mates (who coincidentally has three same classes with me) complained to us: "I wish I'm a cockroach". That was the reason why I felt inspired to write this post after reading the phrase I stated earlier (A Cockroach that wants to live).

So.. I have two friends saying a familiar thing about a cockroach life (which now reminds me about A Bug's Life).

Well, I don't really read what my friend said in his blog (too lazy). But my classmate's phrase had been echoing in my head. She said she wished she was a cockroach because of the abominable workload SMU had. (indeed, I now agree with you, C).

Then after she said that my other groupmate asked her: why cockroach? And she said that as a cockroach we don't need to think. We just live.

Sounds like a good life, huh?

But then what's the purpose of living?

No offense to you, C. I know people can be very tired some of the time. But don't be stressed out. Enjoy the life you are living now as a human. Because you can only enjoy when you are human. You cannot feel at all if you are a cockroach. So be grateful with the life you have.

Being busy is one of modern people problems nowadays. We have so many things to catch up and so little time (just like what Prof. Kan said in my first TWC class).

I, too, have time when I wish I can enjoy the easy life. But life is not easy. It rarely is. So.. I guess we need to cope with what we have in our hands and enjoy our time.

Urm.. does this make sense? I'm not really coordinated as I'm quite sleepy now... :P

I think when I get the inspiration from Maihe's blog, I managed to motivate myself by using this post. Thanks, Maihe (though you might not read this)

:)

E.S.

Expression Number

I just read Zadok's blog today and I got this test (based on name), which he got from J's blog, which I haven't visited for a very long time now. (Sorry J! :P)

Anyway, here's my result...

Your Expression Number is 1

You have the skills to be a top executive or businessperson. But first you must develop your natural capacity to be a good leader. You are truly original - with a creative approach to life and a very sharp mind. You reach for the sky, and you have the potential to reach it. Assertive and straight forward, you have little need for supervision. You are self-confident, self-reliant, and courageous in your convictions. While you sometimes fear loneliness, you prefer to be left alone. A bit self centered, you may be hard to life with at times. You also have a strong dominant streak - which can push others away at times.

What's Your Expression Number?

I think it's quite suitable. I got this number a lot, and I mean A LOT. When I put on my birth date I also usually got this number '1'. (I learned a bit of numerology, haha...)

Seeing the results above often send my thoughts to my dreams. However I still have a lot to do and push myself to my potential limit.

Despite knowing I have such a potential, I cannot really pursue it because mostly I will find myself lazing around. *Sigh* (I don't know how many times I sighed today [yesterday])...

Send me your motivation! That's sooo gladly appreciated :D

E.S.

Such an Uneventful Day

Hey :)

In this post.. I would like to write about what I did yesterday (Friday).
Well.. I slept at like 4 am and that was when I remembered that I have a library training section on how to conduct proper and useful Google search at 10 am. I hoped that I would be able to wake up and set my alarm at around 8 am. But the effort was meaningless. The moment I woke up and checked my phone it was already 10 something. So definitely late.

I truly hope that it will not be a problem not to attend the session. I hurriedly mailed the library and told that I was not able to make it.

That done, I still had some time until my project meeting for Business Law at two.

Let's just skip this part and proceed to the meeting

Oh ya, I need to tell that from my house to school it will usually take me 40-50 minutes. So I have to leave at around one in order to reach school at two. I arrived on time and the meeting proceed.

Our group meeting today was not too productive. We covered the issue we want to talk about already and we spent like two hours without progress. We finished at four and I grabbed some light refreshment to eat on my way to the MRT station.

I reached home between 5 pm and 6 pm. After that I went online for a while and decided to take a late nap. I slept at around 6.30 and woke up at 9...

I was planning to do some readings for business law but in the end I spent my time reading fanfictions and MSN-ing (haha.. no wonder here...)

I guess that summarizes my boring and uneventful Friday.

*sigh* Such a boring post...

So far...

Anyway, it's quite late to begin a new blog to mark the beginning of my new chapter, which is college life; as my school has been running for four weeks already. (Yeah, we're in week 4!)

So.. Let me tell you about my progress so far...

I am never a studious person. So I'm not too stressed out with the schoolwork right now. Some of my friends are on the edge already. Yep, lessons are stressful, but I'm not really stressed out :D

I'm taking five course units this term: Technology & World Change (TWC), Academic Writing (AW), Introduction to Statistics (Stats), Business Law (BL), and Leadership and Team Building (LTB).

By looking at the subjects I'm taking... You should be able to guess which university I am from (if you are Singaporean). Of course this does not apply to my friends who already know, hahaha!

I quite enjoy the university life, actually. It is not too different from school despite the harder thinking and heavier workload (*sigh..)

So many things have been going in just four weeks. I met a lot of new friends, learned quite a lot of things, too.

Well I think that's all I want to say for now. I might elaborate with more details if I remember something I want to tell :)

I'm off to bed now! Good night :D

E.S.

Hello

Hi! Welcome to my new blog. As for who I am, do check the profile page in the navigation bar above :3

This is not my first blog. On the contrary, this is my i-do-not-now-what-is-the-count try to make a blog. And again, hopefully I will not abandon this blog.

I started this blog as a sign of a new life (my college life!).

Do follow and read!

E.S.